


The Benefits of Sex

by IamNoOneSpecial



Category: Left 4 Dead (Video Games)
Genre: F/M, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-07
Updated: 2019-01-07
Packaged: 2019-10-06 03:43:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17337944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IamNoOneSpecial/pseuds/IamNoOneSpecial
Summary: Ellis and Zoey do it. Often. Too often in Rochelle's and Louis' opinion. Now what can the kids say to defend themselves? M-rated just to be safe. No explicitly described sex-scenes. This is nothing serious; just something light and funny.





	The Benefits of Sex

**Author's Note:**

> Hello AO3 L4D Community! This is I'mNoOneSpecial, a writer from FFN. Due to a conversation I had with one of my readers, I decided to repost my stories here on AO3.   
> This is the one and only L4D fanfic I wrote and back on FFN; this story failed to gather notice; let’s see how it will do here.  
> Now, this is supposed to be something light and funny so don't take this too seriously, but please DO rate this story seriously!

Ellis swallowed hard, as did Zoey beside him.

They were in a house a good distance from the nearest city; there were no infected, common or special, for miles.

The house they were staying in was large and fortified; the windows were all boarded shut and the front door was sturdy and had a strong lock; they were safe from the zombies and could sleep soundly and peacefully.

There was plenty of food and water, and the stoves had plenty of gas; They could eat and drink to their hearts' contents, make up for past days of hunger and thirst and rebuild much lost muscle.

Their five friends were all alive and well; they were protected and looked after.

After months of fighting all kinds of zombies and mutants, each survivor knew now by heart how to deal with and kill each and every kind of infected; they could all kill a witch with a single shot and a tank without using too much ammo.

They all had good guns and plenty of ammo, Ellis got a grenade launcher, Francis a heavy machine, Zoey a sniper rifle, Coach got this, Rochelle got that, etc, and Francis and Ellis had made enough molotovs for everyone; They were all armed to the teeth, armed enough to take down three tanks at once.

They had all scavenged body armour from dead riot officers for everybody (except for Coach, but they found something else that fit); they were all now well protected from the claws of hunters and witches, and could save precious first aid kits.

There was a big jeep in the garage, with enough seats for everyone, fully gassed up, tuned up and fully fortified by Ellis; they had a quick means of escape and transportation which would save them invaluable amounts of energy from running and walking.

Still, Ellis and Zoey were in deep shit. They were royally screwed!

Seriously, taking on an angry witch with nothing more than a crowbar and a nightstick, with no healthkits wouldn't be as bad as what they had to face now.

"Honestly, I can't believe you two!"

Rochelle was in nothing more than her pink T-shirt and jeans. She wore no armor, she didn't have her AK-rifle, she didn't have her magnum, she didn't have her machete... and yet she would have made an angry witch cry.

"I know that you two are together and all... But TWICE, sometimes even THRICE, a day?! Seriously?! Have you two no shame?!"

Ellis and Zoey lowered their heads and made themselves as small as possible, wishing that the sofa they were sitting on would be so nice as to swallow them.

"...you know Zoey? Bill wouldn't have approved of what you're doing right now..."

Zoey felt as though she had just been punched into the gut; hard.

"And Francis won't be happy about it either," like Rochelle, Louis was standing before them, arms crossed, face stern, looking down on them with disapproval. He wasn't as imposing as Rochelle but hey! He was with her on this one.

"Coach won't approve either. He'll be very disappointed with you, Ellis. I sure am."

A pitiful whimmer came from Ellis' direction.

"Well?" Asked Rochelle after a tense moment, "What have you two got to say for yourselves?"

Ellis and Zoey slowly turned their heads to look at each other. Then they looked up at their angry "mother."

"Look Ro..." began Ellis, "...it ain't what you're thinkin'…"

"Yeah..." continued Zoey, "It's not like we have gone all nympho or something."

Rochelle said nothing, and neither did Louis. They just eyed the kids questioningly.

"I like Zoey," said Ellis, "I mean, really like. Seriously. Zombie apocalypse or no; she's the girl for me."

Zoey smiled at him. "'Love you too," she said after a quick peck on his cheek.

Rochelle and Louis eyed them doubtfully.

"So..." Rochelle said, "You're telling me you two are heads over heels in love and you get enough of each other?"

Zoey and Ellis exchanged looks again.

"That's... part the reason," Zoey said.

"Yeah..." confirmed Ellis.

"Truth is..." Zoey began to explain, "We're doing it for fun. And to unwind."

Rochelle and Louis stared at them.

"You two... have SEX... over TWO times a day... just for fun?!"

"Well-! What else is there to do around here?!" Ellis shot back.

"Yeah!" backed him Zoey up, "No TV, no video games, no internet, no radio-"

"You can't go out to watch some movies-" Ellis took over.

"The amusement parks are hell-"

"You can't go out to the beach-"

"You can't go to the library and read a nice book-" Zoey blinked at her own words, _'Holy shit, this apocalypse has really changed me... That idea would have never appealed to me before!'_

“You can't go out into your backyard with your friends and have a pool party or a barbecue-" Ellis went on.

"Heck you can't go out at all!" finished Zoey, "And there's nothing to do inside these safehouses!"

Rochelle sighed tiredly, "Well... how about you help Ellis make some molotovs?"

"Me and Francis already made a dozen mollis," threw Ellis in, "That's more than we need and it didn't take us 'n hour!"

"Well..." Rochelle tried again, "You could check on your weapons. You know, clean your guns, reload them-"

"Already done, it took me, like, five minutes and I did Ellis' guns as well," cut Zoey in, "Besides, we want to do something fun! Something not zombie-related!"

Zoey gave an exasperated sigh.

"I don't know about you guys; but I'm fucking sick of all this zombie-shooting bullshit! I'm sick of seeing ugly, rotting corpses every day! And I'm sick of seeing their stinky brains and guts when I shoot them! And I'm sick of those long-necked bitches spitting their acid at me!"

Rochelle and Louis said nothing, but silently agreed.

"Heck, even Ellis doesn't enjoy fighting zombies anymore!"

"Yeah..." confirmed Ellis, "It ain't what it used to be... We've all gotten so good at fightin' zombies, it's gotten boring..."

_'And thank god for that!'_  thought Zoey,  _'I can sleep much better now knowing that there is nothing out there that I can't kill!'_

"I used to feel I'm king of the world every time I took down a horde of zombies... But really, there's nothin' to it. All I gotta do is ready my chainsaw; those dumbshits run into it all by themselves!"

At that Zoey sighed dreamily.

Not long after the two survivor groups had joined together, they had been surrounded on the streets by zombies. A jockey had taken Francis for a ride, and they had bumped into a car, which had set off its alarm, and then hordes of hordes of zombies had swarmed them from all sides. Then Ellis' rifle had run dry, he had taken out his chainsaw and run into the big horde on the main street; laughing like a madman.

_'I thought he was insane...'_  thought Zoey,  _'Yet there he was... a cute guy mowing down a whole horde of zombies... it was so... beautiful... I almost came...'_

Zoey had pretty much decided right from the start to be with Ellis: He was cute, he was funny, and... and... and the other guys were simply too old for her!

But after he pulled that one off? That was when she really wanted him...

He was a fearless, zombie-killing lunatic... it was such a turn-on!

Once in a while Zoey wondered if she had gone insane... But then again, it was the zombie-apocalypse; it _would_ make sense if women suddenly found themselves sexually attracted to that kind of man.

Ellis' next words brought Zoey back. _And_ her bad mood...

"Battin' hunters'n'jockeys out of the air when they try to jump ya has gotten boring as well… Hell, I could hit them with my eyes closed! …well... the hunters at least. Ain't so sure 'bout them jockeys."

_'Man, I'm so sick of hearing that creepy laughter!'_  thought Zoey grumpily, _'God damn those crazy, little hoppers!'_

"Boomers'n'Spitters ain't nothin' but target practice now-"

_'Gosh, I don't know what is worse...!'_  fumed Zoey,  _'Having that stinking puke dumped on you or being splashed by that burning acid! ...well... The acid bitch is uglier and her spit hurts like hell so I guess the boomer’s better...'_

"I can pretty much sniff out a smoker with my nose now-"

Zoey snarled.

_'One of these days I swear I'll hang one of those bastards! With his own tongue tied around his neck as a noose!'_

"Trippin' up chargers and tricking them into running into walls has gotten dull as well..." Ellis went on, "An' killin' witches ain't so exciting anymore either. As long as you keep your cool 'n' aim carefully with yer shotgun they go down with one shot. And it ain't no more big issue if ye screw it up now that we all have this body armor and that there's seven of us."

Zoey scowled,  _'Man I wish I had mastered that shot earlier... or found some damn good body armor! How many times have I almost gotten killed because of that goddamn pale, pretending murderess!'_

"The only ones that are still fun to fight are the tanks. But they go down now rather quick too, now that we know that you gotta shoot them in them legs."

_'And thank god for that!'_  thought Zoey,  _'First you desperately fight those hulks to stay alive, then you breathe out in relief, and then the next moment you realize you're in deep shit 'cuz your guns are all empty! Man I hate tanks! And witches! And I hate spitters, and boomers as well! And all the other mutant freaks! And I hate zombies and I hate the CEDA and I hate the military and, fuck it, I hate this whole goddamn fucking shit apocalypse!'_

Suddenly Zoey froze and blinked. Then she mentally face-palmed.

_'Jesus Christ… somebody shoot me... **I'm thinking like Nick and Francis!'**_

"Well..." Rochelle didn't know what to say, "Well then Ellis, why don't you tell Zoey some stories? You know, those adventures you had with your buddy Keith. She likes them doesn't she?"

Zoey smiled sadly, "I already know them all by heart."

Ellis' head shot up, "Wha-?! But... you always ask me to tell you another one of my stories... an' ya always say it's all new to you..."

"Ah- Oops!" Zoey gnawed on her bottom lip, "Well... you always get so excited when you want to talk about Keith..."

Ellis' was speechless. Rochelle hadn't seen him like that since he caught sight of the infected Jiminy Gibbson, back all those... weeks? Months?- back in that mall.

_'Oh wait! His name was Jimmy Gibbs Junior!'_  Not that Rochelle cared; but Coach and Ellis would throw a fuss!

"But... you did like them... right...?" Man, did Ellis look like a kicked puppy right now.

Zoey squeezed his hand consolingly, "Of course I did..."

Either she was serious or she was a damn good convincing actress; Rochelle didn't know.

"The one where Keith had 'I'm a moron' tattoed across his forehead for 200 bucks? Sweet!"

Rochelle gave a thin smile,  _'Okay... that one wasn't so bad.'_

After a moment Rochelle remembered the issue at hand.

"Well then, why don't you play some games?"

"What, you mean, like, 'I spy with my little eye?' Those games have gotten old, Ro," answered Ellis, "Seriously, doing... **it** , is pretty much the best thing left to do. And it never gets old."

"And it helps you sleep too," Zoey added.

Rochelle and Louis stared at her, "It WHAT?!"

"It helps you sleep!" repeated Zoey, "Before, I had serious trouble sleeping. I was always on edge. I'd snap awake at every little sound; afraid that a tank would break in or something…”

“But after some good, sweet lovin' from Ol' Ellis here..." she naughtily, meaningfully looked at Ellis, who ducked his head, "I go to sleep without any nightmares! Ever since we started having good-night sex I can peacefully go to sleep and sleep in peace until morning. Honestly, before Ellis and I started to... you know, I haven't had one good night's sleep since this damn apocalypse started.”

Rochelle and Louis said nothing but they looked very pensive.

"...is that so...?" Louis asked.

"...What about your trysts in the early morning?" Rochelle wanted to know.

Ellis swallowed uncomfortably, "Oh, those... those are... umm..."

Zoey saw there was no way around it, "Those are more or less just for fun."

"And they get us in a good mood for the day!" added Ellis quickly before Rochelle could react.

"Yeah…" Zoey went on, "they help us keep our spirits and hopes up."

Rochelle and Louis didn't get it, "What?"

"Well..." Zoey began to explain, "All this apocalypse shit really wears you down. All this death and desolation... it's hard on the nerves."

"Yeah…” agreed Ellis, “All the fightin', shootin' zombies'n'mutants, scavenging for food'n'water, an' searching for weapons and ammo... It all just gets to ya," continued Ellis, "It really stresses you out, I tell ya. Then Zoey and I started having some early-morning-fun an'... well, it helps us stay positive. We don't lose faith, we're thankful we're still here, and come what may, we feel we can take it."

Rochelle and Louis said nothing, but they looked very pensive.

After a while Ellis dared to ask, "...you gonna tell Coach...?"

"We..." Rochelle started, "We will think about it."

Ellis and Zoey breathed out in relief. They weren't completely out of the rain yet but... oh well.

"Tonight though!" added Rochelle, "You two are not sharing a bed!"

_'Great...'_  thought Zoey,  _'I **so** wanted to try those peanut-butter-flavored condoms we found today...'_

* * *

 

Later that day, in the late evening, a man and a woman were lying in a bed. Both were naked. Both were content.

"...Lou...?"

"Yes Ro?"

"They were right."

"Yeah..."

Rochelle snuggled closer.

"Man... I really needed this... That really hit the spot."

Louis nodded, "Me too, Ro. Me too..."

"...Louis?"

"Yes Ro?"

"Want to go again? I'd really love another round..."

"Me too, Ro. Me too..."

* * *

 

The next morning Rochelle and Louis were sitting on the couch, shoulders slumped, heads bowed, faces shamed, mentally groaning.

Standing before them were Zoey and Ellis. With shit-eating grins on their faces.

"Seriously... I can't believe you two..." said Zoey in a mock-serious tone, "I knew you two were into each other and all... but three times in a row? In just one night? And another one-and-a-half times the next morning? Have you two no..."

Zoey impishly sought for a good word.

"Limits?" She decided.

"Man... Louie brother...!" spoke Ellis as though awestruck, "I didn't know you had it in ya! I'm so tuckered out after two rounds... I couldn't possibly do three! And another two the next mornin'? Man, You're sumthin' else, brother, you're sumthin' else!"

Louis groaned. Then he looked over to Ro, who returned his look.

_'WHY did YOU suggest we try it?!'_

**Author's Note:**

> So, what do you guys think?  
> Please review and comment. All forms of reviews, comments, advice, suggestions and criticisms are very welcomed and appreciated.  
> If you do not have the time to leave behind such, a numerical ratings from 0-10 will suffice just as well.  
> 10 = PERFECTION!  
> 9 = Awesome!  
> 8 = Very good!  
> 7 = Good  
> 6 = Nice  
> 5 = Not too bad  
> 4 = Not so good  
> 3 = Bad  
> 2 = Why did you post this?  
> 1 = Why the hell did you even bother write this?!  
> 0 = Delete this shit… NOW!
> 
> PS: That thing I mentioned about taking down tanks easily by shooting at their legs… For some reason or another I was thinking what would be a good way to take down a tank… what’d be his weak spot?  
> …aside from sending a bullet straight through his skull of course…  
> And I came up with shooting at his legs.   
> His chest, his arms… they are all covered in bulky muscles. Protected by large, bulky muscles.   
> Yes, muscles are primarily not for protection, physiologically speaking. But as a secondary or tertiary function… yes that works! Having strong, tough muscles does indeed protect the delicate structures beneath.  
> Or have you ever seen or heard of a boxer who threw in the towel because his arms hurt too much from blocking?!  
> Anyway… back to tanks:  
> Their upper body is covered in large layers of muscle, so I’d say forget about hitting a tank there.   
> What about the lower body? If you notice, from the waist down, a tank is pretty much normal. As such; I figure a tank’s legs should just be as vulnerable as a normal person’s.   
> So I say: If you ever encounter a tank in real life (theoretically speaking of course) aim for his legs! Not only are they more vulnerable than his arms… as soon as they sustain enough damage the tank should drop! All that upper body mass must be heavy… a little bit too heavy for normal legs too carry (point in case: tanks walk and run like gorillas; with the aid of their arms!)   
> So, I imagine, do some damage to the legs, and the sheer weight of the upper body will cause them to break and the tank to collapse.  
> And once the legs are out… well, people can’t move well without their legs, can they?  
> So I imagine once the tank is down, he’s pretty much helpless. Oh sure he can still lash out at you with his big, long arms, but he won’t be able to move from his spot. At least not very fast. And he shouldn’t be able to turn quickly either.  
> Plenty of time to aim carefully at his head.  
> Or just walk away.  
> PPS:  
> I’m not too fond of Francis. Which is why in this story Rochelle is kinda together with Louis.


End file.
